reality as a movie

i was watching a movie on one of the many online movie sites and it stopped working for no apparent reason, keeps doing that, new internet, old laptop, don’t know the problem, but it seems i’m in a very pensive state. I turned around to watch my bf sleep, he is tired , he worked all day. Sucks when he has to work like that, i’m all alone in the house, and don’t really know what to do with myself. I have no friends here in this foreign country whose  language i don’t know that well, well except for my internet friends. Youtube has become a big part of my life now. I only listen to music there, watch news, watch other ppl living their lives, watch hair tutorials i can never make and make-up i will never do, to much foundation. I mean i don’t use any, i don’t say i have perfect skin but i just can’t bare coating my skin like that, i feel it heavy, have tried in the past but i don’t think it suits me. I have never been so girly girl to spend hours doing my hair before school, i had it always braided in middle school and then always free.But i like watching them for some reason, maybe because i am searching for human contact of my gender, lol. Anyways i was watching my baby sleep, he looked so peaceful and i my love for him came out, he is now my only contact with reality, that’s why i am afraid of writing my stories, i might just slip away like i used to in times when i was lonely in my younger years, imagining a life, a story, a beginning and an ending, i was quite good , but i only tried to put them on paper several times and then forget about them or just stop because i had got the story i wanted in my head and didn’t want to make more efforts into laying them down. I have never been sure of my writing skills , my insecurity always got the best of me and i quit so many times .I am 25 now and still didn’t write a  story, not even a little one. Whenever my writing lust appears i come here to this blog to get it out, my readers are not important to me, if there are any, because i’m to afraid of bad feedback to risc anything, like this post, it will never be public. Just a memento of my sleepless night and of my love for him.Sometimes i feel like we have always been together, like all my heart breaks from before had meant nothing because i know have him and it’s all good. I hoped but never  taught to ever get such love, he says he loves me and i hope it;s true, or else my heart will crumble. I don’t know if i can live without him anymore, just 2 years have passed but it feels like forever, I hope it stays that way, i’m afraid i’m not worthy of him, maybe sometimes i try to hard or to little. I think i have to get myself back, i have become a shell of myself , not thinking, not doing because of all the inactivity and my easily depressed self, i get demoralized so easy, now , when i should be in the top of my life and my happiness, i have all i need but not all i want. i try to escape my boring life by watching movies, trying to live some of their moments, moments impossible for me.i had such dreams and hopes when i was younger, where did they all go. I think it;s true what they say, never grow up, it;s a trap.i have to start leaving the life i want, or at least make some effort into it. even if i don’t succeed in everything, at least i tried.I’m going to make this my motto and try to fight of the coziness that disguises my laziness. i should come back to this post and this activist girl tomorrow to not forget what i have pledged today…

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