trying…

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So, i guess i am trying to change myself again, as a person,i have gotten to a stalemate were i feel like i became a worse version of myself. I feel like 3 years ago me was better at everything. Sometimes you go back instead of going forward, i have only myself to blame for this.I became extremely lazy and complacent, i became very comfortable with not doing anything that required effort..went to work, came home, spent all my hours on the internet or watching anime. i recently realized that i didn’T grew anymore. i saw a video online about self growth, and not being the same person you were 2 years ago, and i realized i am worse..I gained weight, i didn’t take care of myself properly, like i used to do, i used to spend hours after a bath making my self beautiful and comfortable in my own skin, and then i stopped..i feel like the past year i wasn’t even myself..like i was someone else..not caring for anything, i love my bf , my affection for him didn’t change. i think it even grew, but my love for myself was  gone..i didn’t give it any importance, it’S scary how routine can transform a person in such a lifeless thing.i stopped doing what i like, reading and taking care of myself, writting..just waiting for the days to go by, i think this is what depression is, you don’t even realize it until it lifts… i had no real reason to be depressed..i just gave up on myself, for no reason. That is scary, i am thinking about the facts that brought me here, i didn’t want to socialize with ppl anymore, talk to anyone, not even my mother..if i try to thing what i did last summer i can’T, it’s like i was sleeping and just woke up..4 month ago, after the new year my feelings started to change..i am trying to do the exact opposite of what i want..like eat all the sweets are just lay and not do anything. I still have a lot of working to do, but i do hope i change. The first change i am trying to make is the easy one, my aperreance, and then my soul and mind need mending. I shall try to learn more. I start reading The Prince Lestat, the new Anne Rice book, if this doesn’t bring back old Koko, nothing will, i just hope i didn’t lost to much of myself…i started enjoying cooking again.I made bread today :D. it turned out quite good, all poofy and tasty.I worked out today:D, that always boosts my morale..it is so frightening how easily we can loose ourselves in our daily lives without noticing the lack of self improvement and not going forward , it is important to remember never stop reading, never stop learning, never forget about yourself..

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