reality as a movie


i was watching a movie on one of the many online movie sites and it stopped working for no apparent reason, keeps doing that, new internet, old laptop, don’t know the problem, but it seems i’m in a very pensive state. I turned around to watch my bf sleep, he is tired , he worked all day. Sucks when he has to work like that, i’m all alone in the house, and don’t really know what to do with myself. I have no friends here in this foreign country whose  language i don’t know that well, well except for my internet friends. Youtube has become a big part of my life now. I only listen to music there, watch news, watch other ppl living their lives, watch hair tutorials i can never make and make-up i will never do, to much foundation. I mean i don’t use any, i don’t say i have perfect skin but i just can’t bare coating my skin like that, i feel it heavy, have tried in the past but i don’t think it suits me. I have never been so girly girl to spend hours doing my hair before school, i had it always braided in middle school and then always free.But i like watching them for some reason, maybe because i am searching for human contact of my gender, lol. Anyways i was watching my baby sleep, he looked so peaceful and i my love for him came out, he is now my only contact with reality, that’s why i am afraid of writing my stories, i might just slip away like i used to in times when i was lonely in my younger years, imagining a life, a story, a beginning and an ending, i was quite good , but i only tried to put them on paper several times and then forget about them or just stop because i had got the story i wanted in my head and didn’t want to make more efforts into laying them down. I have never been sure of my writing skills , my insecurity always got the best of me and i quit so many times .I am 25 now and still didn’t write a  story, not even a little one. Whenever my writing lust appears i come here to this blog to get it out, my readers are not important to me, if there are any, because i’m to afraid of bad feedback to risc anything, like this post, it will never be public. Just a memento of my sleepless night and of my love for him.Sometimes i feel like we have always been together, like all my heart breaks from before had meant nothing because i know have him and it’s all good. I hoped but never  taught to ever get such love, he says he loves me and i hope it;s true, or else my heart will crumble. I don’t know if i can live without him anymore, just 2 years have passed but it feels like forever, I hope it stays that way, i’m afraid i’m not worthy of him, maybe sometimes i try to hard or to little. I think i have to get myself back, i have become a shell of myself , not thinking, not doing because of all the inactivity and my easily depressed self, i get demoralized so easy, now , when i should be in the top of my life and my happiness, i have all i need but not all i want. i try to escape my boring life by watching movies, trying to live some of their moments, moments impossible for me.i had such dreams and hopes when i was younger, where did they all go. I think it;s true what they say, never grow up, it;s a trap.i have to start leaving the life i want, or at least make some effort into it. even if i don’t succeed in everything, at least i tried.I’m going to make this my motto and try to fight of the coziness that disguises my laziness. i should come back to this post and this activist girl tomorrow to not forget what i have pledged today…

lazy week


So i’ve got like 3 weeks of holiday from my job, because the boss and his family are going to greece for august . I didn’t really needed it or so and i have just stayed at home and did nothing. We moved in our new apartment this week and all we did , while my bf was at home , was sitting in the day room and play games or watching movies. I have literally spent almost all my free time in front of my laptop not doing anything productive. This is a confession post. I should have learned some german, cause i still need to learn a lot. I hadn’t learned some for 2 months i think. At monday we went shopping for house thing and food and that’s it, not even left the house. Is it just me or everyone does this once in a while. OUtside of work i do this anyway, i don’t know why i am so disappointed with myself for being so lazy when i’m always like this nowadays. I should be looking for another job because this one sucks. I can’t think about anything i want to work though. I don’t know what to do. I need to snap out of this laziness like soon, or else i feel i will wither like a plant , my brain is not fed. I miss reading a book, but i’m also to lazy to do it…i should also start writting

A story


There was once a little girl that dreamed of great things for herself, like all children do. She was good at school, besides the fact she had no friends and everyone was mocking her.She didn’t need any friends, she had her big sis and her cousin, her partners in crime. They used to do their dreaming together and swore they will never be apart. She dreamt she will have a bright future where she will do what she likes to do.She didn’t know yet what she wanted but she was working on it. SHe had such a tender soul , easily broken, although she tried to keep herself strong. She had a ruff childhood always hunted by the lack of money and the things she couldn’t do because of it. Her cousin went away when they were teenagers, to a far away country, her sis fell in love with a douche and forgot about her. SHe was left all alone in the toughest place for a teenager, highschool. She tried so hard to fit in but she failed utterly. She had a good friend but now that is all gone 2. Her only hope now, after 20 years or so of living is her bf that she loves more than life, they are trying to get a good life together, like all couples do, working, having no time for each other, waiting and dreaming for a better life. Imagining how it would be if she had some money and not have to work hard , under her abilities , no satisfaction. This is called the future for any young pair nowadays. Struggling to come trough, to be able to have a family, i wonder how it will be for the next generation. We bury ourselves in electronic devices that rob us of human interaction just to pretend that our life has purpose. But there is no purpose . How can something like a dull life be a good purpose. WE are to afraid to get out from the human laws and expectations to actually do what we want. WE are afraid because we are taught to be.We are the product of our society that let’s you believe you can do anything just to hit you in the face when you try to do it.Adulthood sucks, never grow up, it really is a trap.

Seven:Elfen Lied


I have watched Elfen Lied again in german this time, i found on youtube all the episodes in one video, over 4 hours of video. It was awesome. Elfen lied is one of the first anime that i saw and loved. It is so grim but awesome. My only regret is there are no more than 13 episodes and the ending is ambiguous, but i guess it is only to be expected from an anime so gruesome and cool.If you haven’t seen Elfen Lied and you are an anime lover , even if you are not, it is a very good one.My boyfriend isn’t a very big anime fan but he loved it.It’s about a young girl who is an alien or some kind of mutant that has invisible arms that are very strong and that protect her. There are more girls like this in the story but she is the strongest and crazies i think. Her genes are made to extinct the human race, but she gets off that track because she falls for a human boy that shows her kindness and friendship.And the soundtrack of the anime is so beautiful  i love it, Lilium is called.Image

Sixth: The first of May


Yesterday was the first of May and the international day of labour, or at least here in Europe it is, especially for ex-communist countries, like Romania.For us is a big deal , like a holiday  everybody gets off from work, except for the ones that work in malls, corporative fuckers, i will always have a grudge against them for keeping me from my holidays whenever i worked. i worked for more than 3 years in a mall, it wasn’t fun.If u want to get a job in the mall think again.You have a lot of customers , more than usual at any kind of store and they are open during holidays. I had so much costumers i started to hate people, they just don’t stop coming, ever. In Romania everyone goes out to picnics or to the sea . They have grills and a lot of booze and a lot off fun. It was awesome when i was little to go to this kind of parties. My father used to work at a factory and they throw parties at the local pool. They were huge. Everybody was there. And they played football(european) and drank beer , the children could enjoy themselves without adult supervision because they were busy doing stuff. Total freedom:D.  Here in Germany i don’t know what most people do but we went to Stuttgart and there was a huge fruhlings fest(spring fest) They had rollercoasters and a big ferris wheel and lots of games . Just like a regular Coney island. It was nice. There were fruits dipped in chocolate, yummy. I’m going to try make some at home when i have some time. I am currently dieting so i’m going to wait a while.My whole body hurts from a work-out i took tuesday morning.I would have worked out today but it hurts to much:)).

So i tried the biggest roller coaster with my boyfriend. We don’t have them in Romania, or at least i haven’t seen any. he wanted to ride one for a long time. I was a bit scared of going. I’m not really the let’s go and be shaked and be scared for our lives kind of girl. But this time i was in the mood to do something alive. I’m sitting by myself a lot these days and it’s starting to get to me.ANyways it was terrifying and fun in the same time. My babe was right next to me so i wasn’t my usual scaredy cat, i guess he makes me feel braver and stuff. i have realised that i can’t be happy if he is not around me, i depend on him . It’s weird. I never had this kind of relationship before. I’m literally hurt when he is not with me. It’s like i’m missing part of myself. I hope he doesn’t read this or he will get cocky:)) He knows i love him a lot but not this way:)) I guess this is love.

So the roller coaster, haven’t write for a while and my brain needs too, that’s why i keep getting lost in the details.It was awesome. i wanted to go in the ferris wheel , that’s kind of my dream, with my love, very romantic and stuff, but we were with friends and i felt like the moment would be spoiled. Just like in animes, where the boy and the girl go to the park. Ami’s first love was acknowledged in a Ferris wheel, Sailor Moon fans will know. Living so many lives through imaginary characters has made me want so much unrealistic expectations from life. Lots of disappointments but i would not take anything back.

I guess it was a lovely evening , yesterday, i wish i had some pictures to show but i didn’t have my phone with me.I ate a chocolate dipped apple, apples are becoming my favorite fruits for some reason, i used to love bananas. I think tastes change.

I am in need of something to read, but i haven’t seen any bookstores around and i can’t pirate anything anymore. Germany has strict laws about that. Unlike Romania, i mean we have the laws but nobody cares about some movies or music stolen off the internet because very few afford to pay for all of them. I guess poor countries are freer than other wealthier countries, in some ways. Living here in Germany i learned how much money, or rather the lack of them affects people  You can hardly find true happiness in a poor country. We joke a lot but the lack of having a decent  life affects you long therm.The truth is living in ROmania is hard stuff, the pay for a lot of work is minimal and you can only survive, you cannot thrive,that’s why a lot of ppl go abroad for a better future.Just like we are in Germany. it’s hard, you get homesick, you get downsized because you are a foreigner.You will always be a foreigner, no matter how many years you spend in said country and you will always come back. I hope that my generation will change something in ROmania so it will become the awesome country it can be. We have the resources but the level off human stupidity and laziness is over 9000 there:)) And the fact that we let stupid rich people do what they want and not have another revolution for the way our government rules us with no actual intent to do good for the people but to make themselves richer. Such a corrupt country. Sometimes i wish for the zombie apocalypse or something, we really need a plague to destroy the root of corrupt and evil people. If only that would make things better, but i guess it will only make us ruthless and worst. There is no win unless we wake up and start doing the things we believe in.SO this is what i say to you, wake up, it is only after you to change your future.

 

Fifth:Germany


Apparently i’m in Germany, looking for work.And i’m so stressed out.  I sleep very badly. I have weird dreams or i don’t sleep at all. Yesterday i had a work  probation thingy at a restaurant and my german is not that good. I am learning it now, for 2 weeks actually. I was so nervous i couldn’t sleep all night. And on the road there i started crying , i was that nervous. This never happened to me before. I’m not scared of working. It was maybe the new place and stuff. But still i am baffled to be so scared of things…anyway they didn’t take me, they hold me for 1 minute cause i have no documents for work jet. I mean to get a work permit you have to have a job:)) funny right. In order to be alowed to work you have to work already. It’s like inception. So i have to wait for some employer to want me that bad so they make papers for me. And german ppl are very thorough and legal, unlike romanians. it’s pretty hard. I hope next year the work will be admitted because of the UE requirements. Maybe than i will go to England. My boyfriend is working thank God, but still. I want to make money. But i have to know German. My basic German is from watching RTL 2 when i was a kid because they aired Sailor Moon over and over again. I watched all the series like 5 times:).i’m starting to remember but it is still very hard.I need to cheer up and stop being so stressed out.

My birthday


Today is my 25’th birthday..I am in Uhingen, Germany. Yeah, we waited to long for England so now we are here. We are living (me and my bf) with my bf’s cousin and his girlfriend. It is annoyingly cold and we start looking for jobs tomorrow. Hope we find something fast.Best of wishes for me…….going to play counter strike and drink beer…cheers for you Jenna Marbles .. it’s a marbelous night:)

Fourth.Lazy day


Well, recently all my days are lazy, i am still waiting to get a job in the UK, been waiting for almost 3 months now. I am beyond bored and stressed out for sitting and surfing the net all day. I’m becoming restless and annoyed. Its hard to not work after you are used to it. Earning your keep is so rewarding . I have been working since i was 19. I am 25 , almost now, and live with my parents and have no income for now. That is so frustrating.i should be working out or something but i have lost the will to do anything productive. I feel like i am waiting for my life to happen, to start, like i am in a time-out or something. Im lucky i have my boyfriend beside me, cause we are in this together, otherwise i would go crazy.

I was wondering how would it be if we chosed the way we lived and it’s funny  cause it only depends on us, but still we don’t usually do the right moves. I think i want that and that but i rarely do something about it. I’m such a pussy, i always think i should change but i don’t. The fact that we are our own worst enemy is true. Nothing keeps me from doing what i want but myself. Damn lazy ass. I was watching the latest webisode from Anna Akana. Cause that’s what i do, i stalk ppl on the internet:)). It was about her daddy being right. She said he taught her about discipline and being a better adult now. I so wish my parents would have educated me..lol.. most of the parents don’t know how to do that. of course we like to blame someone for our failures so i usually blame them, which is not fair çause i am the one that has to change my discipline. But still it would have been nice if i would have been already indoctrinated about it.

I’m in love with Lana del Rays’Ride, i think it is such a sad and touching video. I like to listen to it when i am like today, weird and depressed. I sometimes wish i am free. Yea, not about being with my bf, i love him, like be free from life. I think life has become so restrictive this days. I wish i could go in the mountains and live of the land or something. Away from everything, bills, cities , humans.

i should stop wallowing and man up.I will try to change my life how i want it. I think i should write a list of wants and try to achieve them. Will try this asap. i don’t know if someone actually reads my blog, but i don’t really care cause this blog was always meant for me. It is a i was here(Beyonce) kind of thing for me and to practice my writing  But if there are ppl reading it i would love to know what you think about life nowadays and self improvement. I don’t think i am the only one feeling this.

Over and out.

link for Lana del Rey Ride:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Py_-3di1yx0

link for Anna Akana:http://www.youtube.com/user/annaakana

abd also Jenna Marbles whom i adore:D :http://www.youtube.com/user/jennamarbles

 

third :my favorite number- 3


My favorite number is 3..i’m not sure why…i think because Sailor Mars was the third sailor warrior that got her powers. I am a Sailor Moon generation…the best generation ever:)I learned a lot from that cartoon. I still watch it sometimes ‘cause it’s my favorite anime:).Sailor Moon is the reason i love anime and that i still watch them at 25:) (25 in a couple of months:). And of course the love for super girls . Sailor Mars was and still is one of my role models..witch is weird . But i guess she is timeless:).I was looking for a Sailor Mars outfit on the internet..but i couldn’t find anything that i like..they look so fake and weird..and not sexy at all. I wish i could cosplay but the costumes suck..i wish i knew how to make clothes..it think i’m going to put this on my to do list. In the old days any women knew how to make clothes..at least that what they say on movies. And red is my favorite colour since i was five i think. Me and my sister and my cousin, we were a team..and i was red..my sis was blue and bree was yellow..and then Sailor Moon was airing on tv so i remained red:Sailor Mars, my sis was blue:Sailor Moon(Ami had short hair and didn’t fit the pattern) and Bree was orange:Sailor Venus, we really taught she was the princess. I think orange is such an underrated colour..i mean it’s warm..looks nice..and makes a good combination with black.

Sailor_Mars_by_DarkFranou

 

I had a strange dream last night..therefore this post..it reminded my of my childhood. I was a princess elf and i had the power to summon the 5 horses of power, the golden, the silver and the other white horses that weren’t so clear in my dream. I had to defeat a big black steamy dragon that wanted to destroy the world.Sometimes i want the world to end so i can save it. lol..I was flying in my dream..it was so nice..i could feel flying so fast..i wasn’t high in the sky i was flying low in my neighborhood.I even had to give directions to a guy with a grey car. It was cold outside and i flew to get a jacket on..my purple one..weird dreams:))..And the horses had wings of course. The dream ended abruptly cause i had someone at the door so i had to get up. I don’t know how it ends. I was trying to imagine how a few horses could defeat a big flamey dragon , but i guess they have super powers of some kind. I remembered playing as flying horses with my team when we i was like 10 . This dream was so me..personal..it had a little bit of Aion, LOTR, Sailor Moon( i had long black hair) it’s weird how my dreams are so real for me, i can feel everything. This was a good dream, i usually dream about zombies or serial killers or ghosts. My night are pretty entertaining. Especially now that i have a break until i can find a job in England. I’ve been sitting around the house for a month and a half now. At first i was relieved i had some time to rest after my so consuming job but now i’m just bored. I hope this waiting won’t last any longer cause i can’t take any more sitting around and cleaning the house. i started playing Minecraft, stronghold .

 

I love my new series, i started watching American Horror story,it’s so creepy and intriguing and awesome. I watched the whole first season in a week, maybe less. i loved the first season. I am currently watching the second season and it’s pretty good, but i liked the first one better.What can i say i’m a romantic. And yes, this horror story is very romantic.i’m not so scared of ghosts anymore. Still scared but not terrified. For a girl that sometimes has problems sleeping with the lights on i watch a lot of horror movies. I should start writing stories about my dreams, damn lazy ass Koko:)) esspecially now that i have so much free time.

ok i will finish this post now, must go work-out.And then go make something for dinner. I’m like a house wife without being married:))

here’s a picture that i’m using as my desktop now:)

1-kyouka_shigetsu-enma_ai-jigoku_shoujoj-7785

 

Over and out.

second: the labyrinth


I am reading this book called „The rose labyrinth  by Titania Hardie(cool name) and it’s quite interesting. It’s about the heirs of John Dee, also known as the first 007 from the XV century, astrologist of the Queen Elisabeth and his heritage, that is hidden in various locations and his heirs have to find them. It’s like a treasure hunt. The labyrinths are a very important piece in the puzzle and i found myself intrigued by them because they actually exist. Especially the one from the De Chartres Cathedral.

chartres_labyrinth_photoI would love to go visit and take the path of the labyrinth, it is said that it’s a very enlightening experience plus the cathedral looks awesome.I love books that take you on journeys and show you places.I like how the chapters are written in the characters point of view, like all the important characters have their own part of the book so you can see the story from different point of views and understand better what’s happening. I recommend this book to all of you that like intrigues and police books..it’s a little bit romantic but it’s nice.

cce