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Nunta de proba 2014, un eveniment mult asteptat de toti mirii acestui an care vor avea nunta la Hotel Bellaria. Programul serii a inclus defilări de rochii de mireasă, prezentări de ţinute masculine, tendinţe în coafură şi machiaj, muzică live, decoruri speciale, bijuterii desăvârşite, sugestii de voiaje de nuntă,…
So, i guess i am trying to change myself again, as a person,i have gotten to a stalemate were i feel like i became a worse version of myself. I feel like 3 years ago me was better at everything. Sometimes you go back instead of going forward, i have only myself to blame for this.I became extremely lazy and complacent, i became very comfortable with not doing anything that required effort..went to work, came home, spent all my hours on the internet or watching anime. i recently realized that i didn’T grew anymore. i saw a video online about self growth, and not being the same person you were 2 years ago, and i realized i am worse..I gained weight, i didn’t take care of myself properly, like i used to do, i used to spend hours after a bath making my self beautiful and comfortable in my own skin, and then i stopped..i feel like the past year i wasn’t even myself..like i was someone else..not caring for anything, i love my bf , my affection for him didn’t change. i think it even grew, but my love for myself was gone..i didn’t give it any importance, it’S scary how routine can transform a person in such a lifeless thing.i stopped doing what i like, reading and taking care of myself, writting..just waiting for the days to go by, i think this is what depression is, you don’t even realize it until it lifts… i had no real reason to be depressed..i just gave up on myself, for no reason. That is scary, i am thinking about the facts that brought me here, i didn’t want to socialize with ppl anymore, talk to anyone, not even my mother..if i try to thing what i did last summer i can’T, it’s like i was sleeping and just woke up..4 month ago, after the new year my feelings started to change..i am trying to do the exact opposite of what i want..like eat all the sweets are just lay and not do anything. I still have a lot of working to do, but i do hope i change. The first change i am trying to make is the easy one, my aperreance, and then my soul and mind need mending. I shall try to learn more. I start reading The Prince Lestat, the new Anne Rice book, if this doesn’t bring back old Koko, nothing will, i just hope i didn’t lost to much of myself…i started enjoying cooking again.I made bread today :D. it turned out quite good, all poofy and tasty.I worked out today:D, that always boosts my morale..it is so frightening how easily we can loose ourselves in our daily lives without noticing the lack of self improvement and not going forward , it is important to remember never stop reading, never stop learning, never forget about yourself..
What is it about sleepless nights that give me sometimes so much energy, or rather will to live. Why do i find such pleasure in staying up and watching seasons of anime or movies, or this night catching up with Season 2 of The Originals, i have always loved my vampire stories. I don’T know what it is about them , vampires, that keep me so fascinated and intrigued, ever since i read my first vampire book, or seen a movie( even though vampire movies are very bad usually, there are some goof ones). I wanted to say that my first book i have read about vampires was Anne Rice, but no. The first one was the classic : Dracula by Bram Stoker . My mother had it in her library and i was pretty young when i read it, i was like 12, hmm parental advisory didn’t really apply back then i guess, because kids weren’t pussies like they are now. I sound like an old woman, back in my day, we weren’t complete retards, but i guess it’s the educational system and the lack of attention that kids get from parents that make them so influenced by anything they see, i suppose they just lack the proper guidance.It did give me nightmares though, but i liked it. Usually when i see a horror movie it sticks with me and i am scared about it, like The Grudge, that thing still scares me when i closes my eyes to wash my face, but not vampires, i am never scared of them in my moments in dark places.I guess my fascination beats the fear. I am also from Bistrita, Transylvania, ironically enough, so i can tell you for sure that Transylvanians are not bloodsucking creatures. The character Bram Stoker based his book on,was a voievod of ours, some kind of a king, who was infamous for the impaling of the turks that tried to take over our country, he was actually pretty awesome, he was feared by turks and romanians alike. There was a saying, that during his rule there were golden cups at the fountains to drink with and nobody would steal them in fear of him. i think all romanians kind off admire him, even now..if he only could come back and impale our corrupt government that is destroying any future our country could ever hope for, i would be so happy.We used to have great kings and a proud people, i hope the romanian people will find it in their hearts to be barbarians and proud as we were .But i guess i’m just babbling from a recent found desire to see my home country at it’s glory that it could have, if that makes any sense.
So anyway, vampires….i have been reading, watching everything i could find, and when i see those movies with a ton of blood and mindless monsters they annoy me, because i believe that an immortal being like that should have kept its wits, but what do i know, it was love at first site when i started reading about Lestat and his companions and the style in witch they carried themselves…ahh..Prince Lestat, how can i buy you sooner..cause i preordered it on Amazon and apparently they have no copies until December..i don’t really like to read on my computer, not such important books, i want to held it in my hands and smell it, i’m a freak about books, if only i could find a job as a librarian..just dreams.That would be my dream jobs, to fondle books every day, i guess that’s my fetish:)) .
I find myself at 9 am , just finished my last episode and have to wait for a week for the next one, i hate it when i have to wait for episodes , When i watch anime or series i usually try to choose the ones that are already finished so i can marathon them , i don’t have patience in waiting to know what will happen next. i got that from all the books i have read, because there you can read until your head hurts until you can finish the story, unlike Game of Thrones, or should i say A song of ice and fire, still waiting mister G.R R. Martin, still waiting…
I started this post as a replenish off my need to write..once in a while i feel the need to write and i come here, on my forgotten blog so i can pour my words , not on my computer, i usually forget where i save the files.Or perhaps the idea of sharing them appeals to me so much that i come here and write my stuff, or is it just ..now i am translating myself the word form german, the one i mean to use, oh yes habit..Funny how this things happen when you know more than one language , i sometimes forget the words in my native language and only know them in english, or this case german. I always have some kind of a new resolution that i want to see on paper or screen, and writing helps me point it down, but i also fall a lot from the trail so bare with me, i have written 872 words by know, without mentioning, without mentioning the reason that got me on this page again..i was thinking about myself and my fear to let go, just let go and not be concerned about my future and the pressing need of money to get it, i shall try to live more and worry less, if i can manage that, why do women have this gene predisposed to worrying way to much and losing sight of what is important, you’re peace of mind and the pink that you need in your life to balance the black or the gloomy.i think i am going to sleep now, my head hurts.
So i worked out today, i cleaned my room and the house, i had a pretty productive day. I have to organize my wardrobe but i’m not in the mood right now. I am proud of myself, i made something productive today. Even writing this makes me happy that i do something other that browsing 9 gag, so i got that going for me, which is nice:) .
Yesterday i have spent all day traveling by car around Germany, the Munchen part with my bf, my sis and a friend. We had to drop of my dad to his new place where he will be working. I t was like a field trip:D I needed it.:)
I’m such a lazy person, not writing, i guess i was just busy and distracted by other stuff.You find yourself trying to divide your time when you work full time,like i do now. I finally found a steady job and it has been a little time consuming because i work in a new field , that i didn’t know a lot about so it took a little time of adjustment,like 3 months. Normally i don’t need that much time, but learning new stuff in a different language is a little bit tricky . I can honestly say i can due in the german language now, it took me a year but now i got more confident every day with my skills. I guess working with ppl would do that.I am kinda trying to become more productive, i feel the need to write again and do stuff .
I am internet addicted, i just can’t let a day go past without browsing 9gag and memecenter and then some youtube,for several hours, do i am trying to create other habits for myself that are more productive. i feel like the time i spend there is time lost ina way, because it flies away and then i get nothing done. i spent so much time jobless, like a year and i started spending all of my time online, and when i started working i felt like i didn’t have time for me anymore. My addiction to the relaxing environment that i have created for myself got me to a depressing level, where i started hating the fact i work, so i said i need to put a stop to it.I was never an active person , unfortunately, and now , trying to get more active and productive is an actual struggle. I started going to the gym, i gained a lot of weight not doing anything, even the usual chores around the house have became a burden , all i wanted to do is stay online.So i tell you ppl, don’t like me. i shall start a self imposed schedule. it is weird that when you become an adult and you are accountable for your own time, no one tells you what to do so you get indulgent about yourself and become less and less and adult, t a child during summer break. So started thinking, what am i going to do when i do get married and have my own house and some kids. I have no discipline, i would never survive doing all the stuff that must be done just by opening the notebook and surfing the net. I need to improve myself, i have became a partial vegetable. all this free time and no obligations have made me weak. I guess that’S why human kind thrives in a crisis, they get motivated to survive.
i caught up with the new The Walking Dead season,5, first episode today, it was awesome btw, just awesome, if you haven’t seen it , you should. I was thinking, i would never survive a crisis the way i am now. If there were zombies, and they were chasing me uphill, i’m a goner right there, i would just roll over them, i have no physical endurance and no combat skills, no leaving in the wild skills, nothing. i think this times of leisure has made us weak and we should change that. Start becoming more involved in the things around you because they do matter.The thing that i like most about germans is that they are very disciplined and outgoing, also very nice, i have never met people so nice in my life. They also work out a lot, bicycles, running, you name it. They do it as a past time, as a hobby, they enjoy it. Not just because they have to, but because they like it.So i’m trying to do that now, start being more active and productive. I have to start using my free time, not just for sitting in bed and browsing the net but to actual do stuff that i think of doing. I really want to knit myself some stuff, like a skirt and a poncho. I bought all the materials but i just keep them on my desk, also i have started with my sister , to make some kind of accessories stuff for women, i will post some pictures soon. I bought all i needed but i have done like 10 medallions,, that is pitifully..So i managed today to do a little bit of work-out, some painting and some writing Now i will just have to increase the doze every day:D
We have entered a new year, 2014, i like this number, i really hope this year will be better than the last. 2013 was a bad year for me, and for a lot of people . for some people every year is a bad year or in the contrary , every year is a good one. But for me it was as bad as it gets, partly my fault, for my lack of interest in matters from a lost hope that occurred at the beginning of the year, when my plans to go and live in England were destroyed and in order to not complete loose our momentum, me an my bf decided we should go in Germany, were he has relatives. The biggest problem we encountered was not knowing the language, it was hard at first to comprehend it because it is very different from English and Romanian, our native language.i started with audio books and reading and writing, so i am decent now, i still have a lot to learn but i need real practice for it, books don”t cover what i need. i only worked 3 months this year, which is the least i had in a long time, and it is hard for me because i have been working since i was 19 and i am used to have a job. It is hard for me not to have an activity like that. I spent almost all my time alone, at home, with the internet, how sad is that? I hope that this year it is all going to change, otherwise i might grow all antisocial , i really learned to be alone and it is hard to start talking to ppl again, of course i had my boyfriend when he wasn’t working, he did had a job all year, witch was very lucky for us , otherwise we had no money, so i was a lot of time depressed this year and that stopped me from doing anything productive so i taught i should think about a resolution this year and make a list of things i should start doing this year so maybe if i have it black on white i wouldn’t have a lot of problems keeping myself true to it. My motivation is near to zero for quite some time, naturally i gained a little weight while i was actually trying to loose some, not moving didn’t help at all. So here is my list:
1. Eat more vegetables
2. Try to work out at least once a week
3. catch up with my reading
4.start learning how to knit blouses and stuff
5.Get a job and stick with it.
6. Learn more german.
7. Start learning japanese.
8.Start writting at least once a week, i need practice to be able to finally write a book.
9.Keep in touch with ppl.
10. Try to make some friends,cause i have none.
11.Start being selfless a little.
12. Love my boyfriend forever.
13.Be more grateful to being still alive.
14.start enjoying life more,
15. See new places.
16. Buy a camera, so i can take lots of pictures,
17.i really need to loose some weight.
18. Help my family,
19. have more patience with my father .
20. Just be happy and stop worrying so much.
I got a book from my sister when i visited Romania for to weeks to go to a wedding, my boyfriends brother got married and now everyone waits for our wedding, lol, which is weird cause we are younger and need more time. Anyway, i read this book and it is awesome. A thousand splendid suns by Khales Hosseini. http://librarie.carturesti.ro/a-thousand-splendid-suns-353282
I haven’t read a book in a while that i liked so much. If you read the summary you know it is about the friendship of to women that are confronted with lost love and decades of excruciating war. What is interesting about this book is that the story is happening during my life time. The war in Afghanistan was just a tale for me, even though i saw in the news growing up news and horrible facts. I liked reading it because it is a very real book . Even though it is just a written story i think there is a lot of truth in it and it makes you appreciate your war-less life. I never experienced first hand the atrocities of a conflict in mt country, i was 2 when the Romanian revolution killed the communist president and risked life’s to get rid of the Communism. I hope i will never be part of a war but i would like to know how i would react to a battle for my existence. Would i be a coward and hide somewhere and survive or die because of fear or fight for my beliefs, We all see ourselves as brave but when the time really comes will we be able to be proud of ourselves. I recommend this book with all my heart because it is very well written and inspirational. I really like how the author presented the characters and how he brought them together. I read the book in like 3 days max it was that good. I missed such a book that can get my attention.
P.S This book will make you crave for rice and Asian food:)
i was watching a movie on one of the many online movie sites and it stopped working for no apparent reason, keeps doing that, new internet, old laptop, don’t know the problem, but it seems i’m in a very pensive state. I turned around to watch my bf sleep, he is tired , he worked all day. Sucks when he has to work like that, i’m all alone in the house, and don’t really know what to do with myself. I have no friends here in this foreign country whose language i don’t know that well, well except for my internet friends. Youtube has become a big part of my life now. I only listen to music there, watch news, watch other ppl living their lives, watch hair tutorials i can never make and make-up i will never do, to much foundation. I mean i don’t use any, i don’t say i have perfect skin but i just can’t bare coating my skin like that, i feel it heavy, have tried in the past but i don’t think it suits me. I have never been so girly girl to spend hours doing my hair before school, i had it always braided in middle school and then always free.But i like watching them for some reason, maybe because i am searching for human contact of my gender, lol. Anyways i was watching my baby sleep, he looked so peaceful and i my love for him came out, he is now my only contact with reality, that’s why i am afraid of writing my stories, i might just slip away like i used to in times when i was lonely in my younger years, imagining a life, a story, a beginning and an ending, i was quite good , but i only tried to put them on paper several times and then forget about them or just stop because i had got the story i wanted in my head and didn’t want to make more efforts into laying them down. I have never been sure of my writing skills , my insecurity always got the best of me and i quit so many times .I am 25 now and still didn’t write a story, not even a little one. Whenever my writing lust appears i come here to this blog to get it out, my readers are not important to me, if there are any, because i’m to afraid of bad feedback to risc anything, like this post, it will never be public. Just a memento of my sleepless night and of my love for him.Sometimes i feel like we have always been together, like all my heart breaks from before had meant nothing because i know have him and it’s all good. I hoped but never taught to ever get such love, he says he loves me and i hope it;s true, or else my heart will crumble. I don’t know if i can live without him anymore, just 2 years have passed but it feels like forever, I hope it stays that way, i’m afraid i’m not worthy of him, maybe sometimes i try to hard or to little. I think i have to get myself back, i have become a shell of myself , not thinking, not doing because of all the inactivity and my easily depressed self, i get demoralized so easy, now , when i should be in the top of my life and my happiness, i have all i need but not all i want. i try to escape my boring life by watching movies, trying to live some of their moments, moments impossible for me.i had such dreams and hopes when i was younger, where did they all go. I think it;s true what they say, never grow up, it;s a trap.i have to start leaving the life i want, or at least make some effort into it. even if i don’t succeed in everything, at least i tried.I’m going to make this my motto and try to fight of the coziness that disguises my laziness. i should come back to this post and this activist girl tomorrow to not forget what i have pledged today…
So i’ve got like 3 weeks of holiday from my job, because the boss and his family are going to greece for august . I didn’t really needed it or so and i have just stayed at home and did nothing. We moved in our new apartment this week and all we did , while my bf was at home , was sitting in the day room and play games or watching movies. I have literally spent almost all my free time in front of my laptop not doing anything productive. This is a confession post. I should have learned some german, cause i still need to learn a lot. I hadn’t learned some for 2 months i think. At monday we went shopping for house thing and food and that’s it, not even left the house. Is it just me or everyone does this once in a while. OUtside of work i do this anyway, i don’t know why i am so disappointed with myself for being so lazy when i’m always like this nowadays. I should be looking for another job because this one sucks. I can’t think about anything i want to work though. I don’t know what to do. I need to snap out of this laziness like soon, or else i feel i will wither like a plant , my brain is not fed. I miss reading a book, but i’m also to lazy to do it…i should also start writting
There was once a little girl that dreamed of great things for herself, like all children do. She was good at school, besides the fact she had no friends and everyone was mocking her.She didn’t need any friends, she had her big sis and her cousin, her partners in crime. They used to do their dreaming together and swore they will never be apart. She dreamt she will have a bright future where she will do what she likes to do.She didn’t know yet what she wanted but she was working on it. SHe had such a tender soul , easily broken, although she tried to keep herself strong. She had a ruff childhood always hunted by the lack of money and the things she couldn’t do because of it. Her cousin went away when they were teenagers, to a far away country, her sis fell in love with a douche and forgot about her. SHe was left all alone in the toughest place for a teenager, highschool. She tried so hard to fit in but she failed utterly. She had a good friend but now that is all gone 2. Her only hope now, after 20 years or so of living is her bf that she loves more than life, they are trying to get a good life together, like all couples do, working, having no time for each other, waiting and dreaming for a better life. Imagining how it would be if she had some money and not have to work hard , under her abilities , no satisfaction. This is called the future for any young pair nowadays. Struggling to come trough, to be able to have a family, i wonder how it will be for the next generation. We bury ourselves in electronic devices that rob us of human interaction just to pretend that our life has purpose. But there is no purpose . How can something like a dull life be a good purpose. WE are to afraid to get out from the human laws and expectations to actually do what we want. WE are afraid because we are taught to be.We are the product of our society that let’s you believe you can do anything just to hit you in the face when you try to do it.Adulthood sucks, never grow up, it really is a trap.
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