It´s May, a rant is due

Apparently i haven´t written anything here in 5 months , i’m such a lazy ass, seriously, i need to step up my game, lol. So i have been working a lot for the last 3 months, a lot in like 28 days a month, i was so happy to finally land a job in Germany i din´t care anymore about how much i worked or what i did. I worked in a cafe for some italians in Germany, weird how this happens.At first it was all ok i learned quickly what i had to do and improved my german skills, i am quite good now, let my just congratulate myself for this. And then i worked and i worked and i worked and i couldn´t get any free time anymore, at all, i had like 2 free weekends in 3 months, 2 . I just became deppressed and tired all the time, i couldn´t enjoy anything anymore. I didn´t have time for my bf, my house, i got a new cool house now, apartment, it,s a rental of course but i like it :D. it’s a total mess now because i didn’t have time to clean it in ages. The only thing that could make me feel a little more better was watching Sailor Moon sometimes when i could last more than half an hour to go to sleep at night. I had a work schedule of 8 hours a day 12 days and then one week-end free, cand you imagine what that feels like, and i had to work from  like 10.00 to 19:00, all my day was gone , and the tiredness omg, that was something. i couldn’t understand why, i worked hard jobs before but this was different. And i worked with my boss, italian woman of 47 years old and an albanish woman, 25. At first they helped me and were ok and then when i started knowing everything that i had to do they stoped , and stayed in the back room that we called the office and gossiped while i was alone working. I was litterally the only one that made the money. i didn’ t mind the work, i like being active and talking to people, even if the cafe was in a hospital with people with mental diseases. i  could write a book about all the people that were coming there, i didn’t mind them, i just pitied them for not being able to have a normal life  and thought about the events in their lives that made them loose it. but the fact of just me working ,every day, and my coworkers to just sit around and talk. I didn’t have time to eat  or drink water, and i gained weight instead of loosing weight because of the stress i had to handle every day. i had no life anymore. i just couldn’t handle it anymore, not the fatigue or the bad character of my boss and her want to work me as a slave. the pay wasn’t even that good, i had like 3 euros per hour, witch here is very little, the minimum should be 8,5 . And she didn’t even hire me, she said she did, but i never saw a work contract or anything, which let me to believe i wasn’t registered at the local work force  . Germany is very keen in upholding the laws and having a worker unregistered can cost the owner 15.000 euros , but i guess she was fine with that, because she could see i was a good person and i would never deliberately hurt someone or do anyone harm, no matter how bad they treated me. I don’t believe in revenge or responding to evil with evil, unless you try to rape me or something, then you’re dead motherfucker. i stopped feeling like a person anymore, i understand now why governments try to enslave people in work, they can not think for themselves anymore, they can not feel, nor have the time to do so.This was squashing my personality and my body, so i said no more. I need money but i am lucky that my boyfriend still works and that i can always rely on him, he agreed with me that leaving this job was the best thing for us, didn’t have any time for him anymore, i was always cranky and dissatisfied. i will try to choose my job wisely next time. From Monday on i will be really careful for what i choose to do. I start looking for other jobs from tomorrow on. i hope i will be luckier or wiser. I think i need wisdom more than i need luck.

So i guess lesson learned, do not let anyone consider you as their property just because they pay your salary, you are not bound to your job. Sadly you are bound to the money you have to make to survive. i got a taste  of  how millions of people live their lives, in frustration and a lot of work, body ache .The people that work and enjoy and feel satisfied at the end of the day have more happiness that they realize. Earning your pay and not feeling like there is no hope for your life is a feeling that not a lot of people have, it is sad. sad times we are living if man is still considering his workers not his equals but a tool to gain money. And the lies, so many lies to give you a false sense of security or friendship just to earn a little more bucks. What despicable  creatures makes money out of us, i really think we should drop all currencies and go back to the early ages when everyone worked together just to survive the next winter (i am watching the Vikings, great show). i think ppl lost sight of what is important and that in unity we are stronger, and we are never truly equal unless we discard our sense of being the better man and just accept that we are all the same and strive for the same goals. I know there are a lot of people less fortunate that i am and i thank , i wanted to say god but i don#t really believe anymore, Christians have become to greedy for my taste and i can see a lot of breaches and lies hidden in the core of the Christianity that make me distasteful for this religion. I wish we started taking back the old gods that made us fearful to destroy the nature not in right to do as we please with the creatures of this earth, except for the human sacrifices which i think were a little over the top. The old gods were rougher like the earth and i think more suiting to the bitch that life is.So hail Odin bitches!!!

DO not let people belittle you, i truly believe that we choose our lives and how we live them so risks may be a better thing than just suffering and a false sense of security.Just writing this article that i know no one reads on the old fashioned writing blog, everyone vlogs now, but i i find more comfort in written words than in filming alone and talking to a camera. Writing suits me and soothes me . i think i also looked at my dream of becoming a writer falsely, i should write for making something beautiful and important not to become famous and have money, stupid economical world, that learns children to live their dreams for financial benefits not something to fuel your soul and make you content.

P.S  Vikings will have a post of their own soon i think, i just finished watching the second season and i think it is a very well made series and very accurate, fuck history lessons, watch this movie and weep for the loss of the human greatness.

My dream

Last night, or rather morning i had one of my weird dreams that i enjoy having, once in a while i dream stories from my inner self, they are very interesting usually, they can also be creepy, i dream a lot of zombie movies for some reason, even when i didn” t watch one in quite some time. In this dream i was walking around a big city, one of those European ones with a lot of history and big awesome arhictetural buildings. I think i was alone , but of course i was different like i always am, i was seeing the buildings in reality and the humands were like anime drawn, cool right? And i walked in a big church, catholic stile i think, and there was a service going on and i was walking around like no one could bother me, and in the church there was a well, and on th well there was a young girl dressed in a blue long dress with long black hair worn in a pony tail, she was just sitting there and watching, so i went to her and asked her something about the church or what she was doing, i don” know exaclty what. She just looked at me and said nothing so i went on my way, in the city, i was heading home i think. And i detach from myself and came back to the church where one of the girls from the crowd that was attending the service said to the other that was beside her, she had long amber hair and was dressed in a green long dress, she said to the other girl about me, that i saw her sister that was on the edge of the well, and she was surprised because no one can see them, so she said they should follow me and  see who i am. In the dream i was getting a hint that they were some kind of witches or ghost, or both . i cant really see the girl she was talking to , or  just don”t remember anymore. She then talked with the girl with black hair,asking about me but she didn’t answer, she was living in her own world and wasn’t paying attention to anyone, not even her said sister. They went out, the 2 girls, the one with amber hair and the one i don’t recall her appearance and were walking after me, and then i had some kind of dream flashback and saw a lot of girls laying on the floor under a  blue light and among them there were the 3 girls and me, i could feel i was there , but i couldn’t see my anime version. I’m starting to imagine it now, long brown hair and nice white and red dress or something. I was like one of them, weird, and that”s where the dream ended or i just don’t remember more, i hate the way i forget them. If i don’t wake up and wright right away about it i forget slowly and then by the end of the day i forget it all. I think this dream could be the start of a nice novel if i had the guts to actually start writing one, i think i will try because now i have the time. I really need to start working for my dreams to come true.

THis was a little bit of sharing time and i have to go do useless internet stuff now, bbye… leave a comment if you want to see if i develop this or not.

Sixth: The first of May

Yesterday was the first of May and the international day of labour, or at least here in Europe it is, especially for ex-communist countries, like Romania.For us is a big deal , like a holiday  everybody gets off from work, except for the ones that work in malls, corporative fuckers, i will always have a grudge against them for keeping me from my holidays whenever i worked. i worked for more than 3 years in a mall, it wasn’t fun.If u want to get a job in the mall think again.You have a lot of customers , more than usual at any kind of store and they are open during holidays. I had so much costumers i started to hate people, they just don’t stop coming, ever. In Romania everyone goes out to picnics or to the sea . They have grills and a lot of booze and a lot off fun. It was awesome when i was little to go to this kind of parties. My father used to work at a factory and they throw parties at the local pool. They were huge. Everybody was there. And they played football(european) and drank beer , the children could enjoy themselves without adult supervision because they were busy doing stuff. Total freedom:D.  Here in Germany i don’t know what most people do but we went to Stuttgart and there was a huge fruhlings fest(spring fest) They had rollercoasters and a big ferris wheel and lots of games . Just like a regular Coney island. It was nice. There were fruits dipped in chocolate, yummy. I’m going to try make some at home when i have some time. I am currently dieting so i’m going to wait a while.My whole body hurts from a work-out i took tuesday morning.I would have worked out today but it hurts to much:)).

So i tried the biggest roller coaster with my boyfriend. We don’t have them in Romania, or at least i haven’t seen any. he wanted to ride one for a long time. I was a bit scared of going. I’m not really the let’s go and be shaked and be scared for our lives kind of girl. But this time i was in the mood to do something alive. I’m sitting by myself a lot these days and it’s starting to get to me.ANyways it was terrifying and fun in the same time. My babe was right next to me so i wasn’t my usual scaredy cat, i guess he makes me feel braver and stuff. i have realised that i can’t be happy if he is not around me, i depend on him . It’s weird. I never had this kind of relationship before. I’m literally hurt when he is not with me. It’s like i’m missing part of myself. I hope he doesn’t read this or he will get cocky:)) He knows i love him a lot but not this way:)) I guess this is love.

So the roller coaster, haven’t write for a while and my brain needs too, that’s why i keep getting lost in the details.It was awesome. i wanted to go in the ferris wheel , that’s kind of my dream, with my love, very romantic and stuff, but we were with friends and i felt like the moment would be spoiled. Just like in animes, where the boy and the girl go to the park. Ami’s first love was acknowledged in a Ferris wheel, Sailor Moon fans will know. Living so many lives through imaginary characters has made me want so much unrealistic expectations from life. Lots of disappointments but i would not take anything back.

I guess it was a lovely evening , yesterday, i wish i had some pictures to show but i didn’t have my phone with me.I ate a chocolate dipped apple, apples are becoming my favorite fruits for some reason, i used to love bananas. I think tastes change.

I am in need of something to read, but i haven’t seen any bookstores around and i can’t pirate anything anymore. Germany has strict laws about that. Unlike Romania, i mean we have the laws but nobody cares about some movies or music stolen off the internet because very few afford to pay for all of them. I guess poor countries are freer than other wealthier countries, in some ways. Living here in Germany i learned how much money, or rather the lack of them affects people  You can hardly find true happiness in a poor country. We joke a lot but the lack of having a decent  life affects you long therm.The truth is living in ROmania is hard stuff, the pay for a lot of work is minimal and you can only survive, you cannot thrive,that’s why a lot of ppl go abroad for a better future.Just like we are in Germany. it’s hard, you get homesick, you get downsized because you are a foreigner.You will always be a foreigner, no matter how many years you spend in said country and you will always come back. I hope that my generation will change something in ROmania so it will become the awesome country it can be. We have the resources but the level off human stupidity and laziness is over 9000 there:)) And the fact that we let stupid rich people do what they want and not have another revolution for the way our government rules us with no actual intent to do good for the people but to make themselves richer. Such a corrupt country. Sometimes i wish for the zombie apocalypse or something, we really need a plague to destroy the root of corrupt and evil people. If only that would make things better, but i guess it will only make us ruthless and worst. There is no win unless we wake up and start doing the things we believe in.SO this is what i say to you, wake up, it is only after you to change your future.

 

second: the labyrinth

I am reading this book called „The rose labyrinth  by Titania Hardie(cool name) and it’s quite interesting. It’s about the heirs of John Dee, also known as the first 007 from the XV century, astrologist of the Queen Elisabeth and his heritage, that is hidden in various locations and his heirs have to find them. It’s like a treasure hunt. The labyrinths are a very important piece in the puzzle and i found myself intrigued by them because they actually exist. Especially the one from the De Chartres Cathedral.

I would love to go visit and take the path of the labyrinth, it is said that it’s a very enlightening experience plus the cathedral looks awesome.I love books that take you on journeys and show you places.I like how the chapters are written in the characters point of view, like all the important characters have their own part of the book so you can see the story from different point of views and understand better what’s happening. I recommend this book to all of you that like intrigues and police books..it’s a little bit romantic but it’s nice.

Presonal Legend

I have read the Alchemist by Paulo Coelho, again, today. I read it in like 3 hours. ANd aferwards i tried thinking about my personal legend. For those few (i hope) that didn’t read this awesome book your personal legend is about the thing you want to do most in life. The thing you dream off and if u dare go after it. I hadn’t read „The secret book” or seen the film, but i guess it the same principle from what i heard. Believe in yourself, believe in the Universe to work with you to achieve your dreams.And the most important thing is not to give up,ever. Never stop dreaming . All the beings in this world are linked and written by the same hand, therefore if u wish for something so bad that u are able to actually go for it the soul of the world will help u achieve it.I like the concept and i had read enough in my young years to know you have to want something to get it. It’s like that line in Sucker Punch: „If you don’t stand for something you will fall for everything”. I think it;s very inspiring, you have to be able to see what you want so you can actually get it. „Visualize, believe” like good Connor MacManus says in BDS:All Saint’s Day. I have encountered this way of thinking in a lot off successful ppl so they have to know what they are saying. But i think the most important and difficult thing is to know what you want. I have been thinking all day what my personal legend is. What should i pursue? And the thing is i just can’t see it. In the book they say u realize what your biggest dream is when you are young because u are more open to listen to your hearts voice. But mine has been silenced.
When i was a young girl i just wanted to work with books because i loved them so much, the stories that helped my bittersweet childhood pass easier were so dear to my heart. But know that i am 23 , finished college, economics, bleah…Now i’m at that point when i have to find a job , provide for myself, start living my dreams. But i can’t. I can’t find a job that i would enjoy working. I can’t see anything. No opportunities. Have i gotten so lazy that i am not willing to work anymore? Have i gotten so sad about life that i lost my will to live it? The best advice i ever got is not to dwell in the past. Live for the present, not the future. If u plan your hole life u won’t be able to live it until u get all your plans done and that could take years. So live for now. Easier said than done. Now, what am i doing now. I’m sitting in my bed, a little sad, with my notebook on my lap tipping and hoping to find my meaning in life.The most enjoyable moment in my day today was the little coffee(it was actually little) i drank this morning after wakening up for nothing. I had something like an interview but couldn’t find the location so gave up. I’m used to giving up lately.I wanted to go to gym afterwards so went to have a cofee until i had my gym appointment. I went to a near by coffee place i always fancied (i’m so british, well i’m european after all). It;s kind of an artist place with posters on walls and rock fm on the radio. My kind off place until i started losing my personality and started doing what normal ppl do. i was alone so i did what i always do, wrote something in my little notebook i carry in my bag. i felt at peace. I miss this kind off places so much.I miss my old rock friends. There were a bunch of teenagers there , it was 10 am and they were drinking beer. Reminded me off the old days when i used to skip school and go to a coffee shop, but i drank hot chocolate. I was always to nice. I so miss those times, i have to remember to dream again. What should i dream about. Yes i want to be a writer but i don;t have enough trust in myself. I never finish anything i start. SHould post some off my ideas to know what ppl think about them. I just want to find myself again. Where did i go, when did i lost myself? Somewhere in college i guess. To busy to get my hearth torn a part and work a lot i forgot what my goals were.I have to find them again. I want them back. I want to be happy again. I want to be able to smile more than an ironic smile or some fake laugh from some stupid movie( they don’t make comedies like they used to, i don;t think gross stuff is funny and here i mention Due Date, didn’t like it a lot,was expecting more)Hmm i guess i can write a whole novel about my personal legend. Hope i will nail it and write about how i got to live it. Hope i will. This is my weeks assignment for myself.Decide what you want and then get it. It’s that easy but i’m afraid that something easy is also something bad. We are so used to get everything the hard way we forget there is an easy way.Like waiting for the job you want/like. I am such a child to think i should like where i work . I don’t want my first real job to be something i hate. i just hope for the best. Positive thinking. We are what we think we are and we are the only ones that stand between us and Happiness.Believe that u can be a better person, believe in love. Love is so important we don’t even realize how much we miss it until we have it. To love your job, your mom, your dad, your shirt,your cat, your friend, your phone, your cousin. Just love. Why is something so simple being turned in something to hard to get? Because we think it’s not good if it’s not worth fighting for it.But why should we fight for something we are entitled to have. God destined us to love, we can think so we can feelings therefore we must love. Human nature is destructive but also creative. Simplicity was lost when money were invented. Have more, be more not love more. It’s sad that we have forgotten our essence of being.The human is an animal that needs to socialize to be happy, wrong, all we need is love. Really! If u love yourself more u won;t let any bastard be mean to you and be unhappy. I think all feelings come from love or rather the lack off love. i want to be a better person and i want to be me again. The sweet girl that thought she can save the world.I just have to save myself now, cause i lost myself and i need to find me again. SO i can remember what my legend is and were to find it and what decisions to take to get there. Wish me luck!

Paulo Coelho-Valkyries

This book is amazing. I read it in about 4 hours, and it changed my life forever.I recommend reading the book before reading my post, makes more sense;)) I can’t believe how stupid we really are, ignorant. I took pride in my not truly believing in God , but deep down i always believed, but my sadness told me that this can’t exist because i was to unhappy and he didn’t help me. I was waiting to see my miracle. When actually i was the one not helping myself. I always wanted for the things to end bad in my life so i can complain. I convinced myself that i don’t deserve to be happy, i wanted it a lot, but never let myself achieve it. I can’t believe i was the one making my life miserable. And now i say it as clear as water in my cup. I was the one saying and hoping for the bad. I used to say to myself that i was only expecting the worst to prepare myself from disappointed, but didn’t realize i was creating the disappointment. And i was letting myself leaded by my idea of misfortune . I never believed in good, hoped but never let it sink in.I know the most important thing for me in life is to love and be loved , i love my family more than anything yet i try to keep my distance from that feelings because i am so afraid to loose them, i am so afraid that i don’t let myself enjoy the feeling of love, the fact that they love me a lot and feel the same way. I always felt so alone, and now i realize i made myself alone. My ideas of sadness made me feel so alone. I can’t believe i’m saying this but i believe in my Guardian Angel. I didn’t gave him credit, although i am 23 and never happened anything to me. Know i now that my ANgel told me to take that unexpected turn when that weird man was following me. I am shocked , I felt his malice and his will to harm me, but couldn’t just turn away, and my Angel told me to take that unexpected turn and got away, i am stunned. I was wondering where did that come from? I guess i helped my ANgel keep me safe, but not happy. I made myself so unhappy. I know it sounds nuts but this book is so awesome. I learned so much about life.
It’s about the mag’s quest to get in touch with his ANgel, wich he does eventually. The thing that shocked me is that it’s so easy to remember Him, your ANgel, and realize his existence. I didn’t know why i loved so much the nature,it was because it brings us back to our roots, to the sense of freedom that we used to have. ANd we caged ourselves in impressive homes, expensive cars, internet , indoors . When the best way to know ourselves is to go outside, experienced life. We forgot all about that. I know now why i love the sea so much, i can see the horizon in it’s most perfect form and feel free. All the problems and walls we create for ourselves fall down. True happiness can not be achieved until we understand we deserve it and expect it. DOn’t be scared to do what your heart tells you, it might be the right thing to do.
I think the most important thing in this world is love, love for each other, love for ourselves, love for the things around. FOr the first time in my life i have hope for human kind and for myself. I always thought we are doomed (just had a flashback about writing this in my dream last night,omg) but now i have hope. I will have the life i want, because it’s all about love.
Here is a quote that made me cry when i read it” Angels are love that moves.That never stops, that fights to grow, it’s beyond good or evil. Love that consumes everything , that destroys everything, that forgives everything. ANgels are made off this love , and in the same time , they are her messengers.” (hope i got it right , i translated from romanian)
SO beautiful! All we need is love and we don’t even know. ANd i don’t think only about love between a man and a woman, the absolute love, Jesus Christ told us but we didn’t want to believe it. Anne Rice wrote about it in her „The Devil Memnoch”(awesome book, a must read, best idea of religion ever, rocked my world) but i thought it was just fiction and went back to my disbelief in every one and everything. And Paulo Coelho explained it so simply that i just can’t ignore it. Didn’t expect this. I have to start believing in myself again. ANd i want to thank my ANgel for keeping me safe and for being there for me. I will never feel alone again. Now i know why i used to talk by myself, thought it was weird but made me calm somewhat, i was talking to Him.I love you 2:D

Movies:)spoiler alert;))

lykke li-possibility:)

There’s a Possibility,
There’s a Possibility,
All that I had was all I’m gonna get

Hmmm….

There’s a Possibility,
There’s a Possibility,
All I’m gonna get is gonna be yours then
All I’m gonna get is gonna be yours then

So tell me when you hear my heart stop
You’re the only one that knows
Tell me when you hear my silence
There’s a possibility I wouldn’t know

Hmmm…..
Hmmm…

know that when you leave,
Know that when you leave,
By blood and by me, you walk like a thief,
Versuri Lykke Li – Possibility
de pe http://www.versuri.ro
By blood and by me, and I fall when you leave.

So tell me when you hear my heart stop,
You’re the only one that knows
Tell me when you hear my silence
There’s a possibility I wouldn’t know
So tell me when my silence’s over
You’re the reason why I’m closed
Tell me when you hear me falling
There’s a possibility ït wouldn’t show

Hmmm…
Hmmm…

By blood and by me, and I’ll fall when you leave
By blood and by me, I follow your lead

Hmmm…
Hmmm…
Hmmm…
Hmmm…

Ahh..just beautiful:)

love this song, thought i should share:)

melancoly

I miss a walk in a deep green forest while it rains, best experience ever:)